I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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