Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
