Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
