It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
