What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
