It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
it's like heaven, but drunker
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
