On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
