Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
When are your genitals available?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
