I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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