When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
