you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
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Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
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I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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