So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I've blown a few things in my day
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Randomize
