Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
