Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
