life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
