So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
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I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
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Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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