I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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