Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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