she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
