i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
