I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
