she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
25 People Confess The Sex Acts They Were Super Ashamed Of
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
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there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.