I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
