he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
