Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
