she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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