look no pants
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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