I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
