Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
