i permit you to call me
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
