He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
