I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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