I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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