i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
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