i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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