my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
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He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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