Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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