I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
