i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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