my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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