Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
