i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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