i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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