I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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