I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
