I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
