Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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