I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
