My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
