lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
