how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
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Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
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They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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