Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
false alarm, still single
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