Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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