Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
