did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
