I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
