i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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