I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
