yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
