Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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