I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
