speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
