sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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