Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
