they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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